Unwanted guests begone!

Here’s a tried and true remedy for ridding yourself of unwanted guests. It works well on those who drop by unannounced, be they sales people, church people, or tipsy chicks that for whatever reason, you don’t find attractive. For that matter, it should work on just about anybody, save the very hardcore, that breachs your front door. I wouldn’t recommend this procedure if you live in an apartment, or in any other way extremely close proximity to your neighbors. Additionally, it might cause tinnitus if used too frequently. It works best on groups of two or more. You’ll need a killer stereo and a copy of Stevie Ray Vaughn’s “Tight Rope”.

Here’s what you do. Tell your visitors you have a brand new, state of the art stereo. With a big smile and adolescent-enthusiasm, ask the visitors if they “want to see how loud your new stereo will go?”. It’s almost foolproof. In my experience, they fall for it every time, probably because the stereo is “new” and they are stupid. Once they do (fall for it), cue up “Tight Rope” and set the volume just loud enough to prohibit quiet conversation. Let your eyes glaze over and try and tune your company out as best you can. Then, just as the guitar solo begins, flash a grin, and with no warning, CRANK IT! I can almost guarantee that just as little pieces of your ceiling begin fluttering down your pests will take their leave.

As noted, don’t try this in an apartment. If you do, you’ll likely exchange one set of unwanted visitors for another. (The police.) Additionally, if you don’t have “Tight Rope”, “Statesboro Blues” by the Allman Brothers Band will do nicely.

Good luck and good riddance.



Filed under Music, Tips and Tricks

10 responses to “Unwanted guests begone!

  1. “Beware of Dog” signs may work as well especially if your dog is large and prone to barking loudly whenever anyone comes calling. Or a simple apology, “I’m sorry, not really sure if I can control this beast. But if you insist…”
    I’m sure very few would.

  2. Wow, how fun is that? Usually I just let my dog bark on the other side of the unopened door. She’s little but her bark is much bigger than she. As long as they don’t see her it works.


  3. J

    dracael and writerchick – My basset hound sounds like she’s huge. Well, she is huge, but not very threatening, unless you have a phobia of short, stocky hound dogs. Then again, if you didn’t see her, you might think I had a werewolf.

  4. I have a friend with a great tactic for dealing with salesmen. When someone comes by trying to sell you something, they always compliment things you own — like paintings, vases or other decorations — trying to make you feel good about yourself. My friend then asks the sales man to expand on that — “Oh yeah, do you really like it?” “How much do you think it’s worth?”

    He won’t talk about anything else, and keeps drawing compliments out of the salesman. Then, when the salesman’s getting frustrated, he tries to sell the object to him. He’s actually sold things to salesmen on two occasions — a framed poster and a set of wooden statues. And, no, he didn’t buy what they were selling.

  5. J

    oneguy – Sounds like something Kramer (from Seinfeld) would do. I like it!

  6. I like all these ideas – keep them coming 🙂

  7. J

    Nicola – I was gonna pay you a reciprocal visit, but Mama Bear has you blocked ;^/

  8. I agree!

    I almost had a heart attack when one of my over enthusiastic friends made me listen to Steve Ray Vaughn – I had no clue what…

  9. J

    Kathakali – Stevie Ray is a god but if you hadn’t been initiated into the world of screaming Stratocasters, I can see how it would startle you.

  10. Kathakali Chatterjee

    you are right!

    The taste is acquired…I guess!

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